I recently listened to a podcast where they discussed a decision to build a big business. The interviewer asked what his wife thought about his decision. Here’s what they said:
Question:
“What about that conversation with your wife? Was it an easy yes? Was it an easy, let's go?”
Answer:
“Yeah. You know, it was easy. And here, it's because I take the garbage out. And what I mean by that is this: whenever I talk to people about getting their spouse on board, people ask that question: ‘Oh, my spouse isn't on board, or my spouse doesn't really want to do what I want to do, or I want to start this business — my spouse isn't on board.’ It's usually because they don't take the garbage out. And I use that as a metaphor, but it's also a reality. If they say they're going to do things in their personal private life, and then they do not do it. So they have trained their spouse that they are unreliable; non-dependable.”
“They are not to be trusted. And they have trained their spouse over and over and over by saying, ‘I’m going to take the garbage out,’ and then not taking the garbage out! So if you do that year after year after year and week after week and day after day and all that. And then you say, ‘Hey, I got this idea. I'm going to go build this business.’ You have already set yourself up to be untrusted with that. So, of course, I'm not going to support the other person because I don't believe that they're going to do what they say they're going to do because they never do what they say they're going to do. How you do anything is how you do everything.”
This reminds me of a book by Dr. Kevin Leman called “Sex Begins In The Kitchen,” which says great sex is the by-product of the way spouses treat each other all day long. Small, consistent “deposits of care” — like listening, sharing feelings, pitching in, and expressing affection — create emotional closeness, and physical intimacy naturally follows. The kitchen is a metaphor for those mundane, daily interactions.
I love a good metaphor.
So, I’ve been thinking about both of these all week and take three lessons I can apply in my business & personal relationships.
Lesson 1: Keep My Promises
If I say I’m going to do something, do it. It’s so simple, right?! The problem I deal with is underestimating how much I can actually accomplish. So, I tend to overpromise (with good intentions) and then inevitably don’t deliver on something. This is my reminder to give myself margin to do what I said I would do. It’s OK if every day isn’t perfectly optimized for productivity.
Lesson 2: The Small Things Matter
Who cares about the garbage? That’s a small thing. The important thing is that I earned enough money to pay all of our expenses. Well, yes. Important things are... well... important. But it turns out, so are the smaller things. It never fails to bring Jessi a smile when she comes home to find all the dishes done.
I think small things are important because it shows a level of care: I’m not just focused on the big things, I also care about the small ones. Furthermore, Ramit Sethi calls these competency triggers: visible cues that signal to others that I’m skilled, reliable, and worth trusting.
Lesson 3: Victory Happens Before The Start Line
I recently syndicated the purchase of a super cool building. The deal took many months to complete, involving a significant amount of work by multiple parties. It wasn’t easy to get it over the line.
But here’s the deal, I unknowingly started working on this deal YEARS before I even knew about it. This was a mixed-use property, and I happened to have experience with those types of tenants/spaces. So, I had the experience.
I also had a list of investors interested in funding this type of deal.
And finally, I built a great friendship with the broker. We did a previous deal together, I joined him on panels, I sent him referrals, and generally supported his career. So, I was on a very short list of people who knew about the deal before the rest of the market. That gave me the chance to submit an offer before anyone else.
The point is this: I had been doing things that made this deal even possible. Without the experience, resources, or connections, there’s no way I could have bought such a cool asset.
Going forward, I can be more intentional about where I want to go and focus on gaining the experience/skills necessary before I directly pursue the next level.
Final Thoughts
One more quote from Jim Collins in Great by Choice:
"Discipline, in essence, is consistency of action—consistency with values, consistency with long-term goals, consistency with performance standards, consistency of method, consistency over time."
This is what the podcast conversation was getting at. Success is about consistency of action, both big and small. It’s taking out the garbage and making deposits of care. Doing that builds trust with others. It’s a simple idea, but hard to carry out. The best way I know to do that is to not overcommit, so I can keep both my big and small promises.